Family relationships either work or they don’t.
Contention: This is not true. There is some grey, and even those relationships are important.
1. Some relationships do work
2. Some relationships don’t work at all
3. Family relationships are important and complex, too complex to simply be divided into working and not working.
Marsha Norman, novelist and award-winning playwright said, “Family is an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t mean to even be your family. They just are.” Regardless of how they work, all family relationships matter to us. They define us, and they matter. In the years since the social upheaval of the 1960s, it seems that family relationships indeed take all forms, some functional and loving, and at other times dysfunctional, disrespectful, and destructive. Although some relationships fall in the grey area in between, family relationships are still strong and important, even when they falter. They give us something, even when they are not positive. It seems that every time we turn on the television or read a newspaper, one politician or another has the world family on his or her lips, talking about “working families”, “real families” and “Australian families”. While the very concept of family is up for grabs, there are some common elements that remain clear. A family consists of those relatives, by blood and law, that we are closest to, those people who are constant in our lives and there for us, no matter what. We usually think that a family relationship is working when there is mutual connection and an effort by all people involved to maintain a steady relationship. People in a working family relationship create a productive and pleasant life together. A family, however, does not work, the relationship is unhealthy or there is no connection, nothing in common. It might be the case that people have no passion or if the relationship is characterised by disrespect or abuse. Having said that, many families work just fine, with loving and respectful relationships. Others are defined by bad relationships and disrespectful people. However, some fall in the grey area between the two, with some love but real problems in the relationship, but these are still important relationships. It is too simple to categorise these complex family relationships into simple groups like working and not working. Families are too diverse and too complicated to see this simply.
Some families appear to be fully functional and fulfil all our ideals and hopes. In Montana 1948, a novel by Larry Watson, David Hayden and his father Wes have a strong connection. “You and I are going to tackle this job,” Wes tells his son, making David feel involved and noticed. Similarly postively, David tells us that, “my father rubs my back, massaging the thin band of muscle on either side of my spine.” This physical connection between father and son is a prime example of a close, functional family relationship. Even in seemingly dysfunctional families like the Simpson, the famously yellow and rowdy family from the American sitcom, we see a strong connection between parents and children, with Homer and Bart forging a new relationship and a type of shared respect for each other as they battle to save Springfield in the 2007 animated feature film. These fine qualities of loyalty and respect conform to our vision of everything that a family should be. Through these examples, we see that many families are strong, positive, and functional. Although many work, there are some that plainly do not.
Some families cannot achieve healthy relationships. When relationships wither or become abusive, we regard these as family that do not work. Again, in Montana 1948, Gail Hayden did not get along with Julian, her father-in-law. She was uncomfortable with the coarse way that Julian spoke around her young son, David. “Where Hayden’s were concerned, my mother always held something back.” We see that, although she and the bombastic Julian Hayden shared a name and were part of an extended family, they did not have the trust that family should. Likewise, in the classic science-fiction film Star Wars, Luke Skywalker has never known his mother, and his father, Darth Vader, works towards killing Skywalker and his friends. Once his father fails to kill him, he then tries to corrupt Skywalker, attempting to bring him over to the Dark Side. These relationship are not just strained, they are broken beyond repair. Not many, but some family relationships just do not work. Even these relationships don’t work, however, they are still important.
Some family relationships are too complicated to simply regard as good or bad. We see this in the difficult relationship between the Hayden brothers, Wes and Frank. “Ever since the war, ever since Frank came home in uniform and you stayed here, you’ve been jealous. I saw it. Your mother saw it. The whole goddamn town probably saw it.” These brutal words from Julian, the father of two feuding brothers, shows just how much divides them, and how much it impacts other people. But, despite this division, Wes tries to act with consideration for Frank and his own parents. Similarly, the relationship between Wes and Julian, who says these words, is both abusive and complicated. “Now you pull a fucking stunt like this. I should have taken you aside and got your straightened out.” This is a long way from a respectful, productive relationship, and these words hurt precisely because this is a father attacking his son, in violation of what we expect. Even when the relationships don’t work, they are still incredibly important, especially that relationship between father and son. And although these relationships are painful and confronting, it is just too simple to say that they are broken or not working.
A relationship between family members can either be one of connection where people get along, or disconnection with people inflicting damage instead. Either way, these relationships matter, and they matter deeply. When they work, they are about care and respect. When they break down, they are about disrespect and deep pain. And sometimes, especially in times of conflict and trauma, it is just too simple to claim that something either work or it does not. Life generally, and family life in particular, is just too complex. Family can be the greatest thing in the world, but it can also be the thing that does us the more damage than anything else can. Perhaps we all need to be careful with those closest to us.
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