Thursday: Master Class
26 08 2010In exactly one hundred words, describe this image.
I probably don’t have to say this, but make your writing interesting and expressive rather than mundane.
Red Space Rocket
Mr O'Meara @ Western Heights College
In exactly one hundred words, describe this image.
I probably don’t have to say this, but make your writing interesting and expressive rather than mundane.
I wasn’t entirely sure how to describe the image in front of me. It was clear that it showed superman shining the flash of a canon camera through his hand, but this misses the true power of the photography. His hand had been completely illuminated by the camera, all but his hand, logo and neck had been swallowed by the darkness. The image was indeed graceful in its perfection, but it also contained a foreboding clearly to remind those whose eyes captured it, that this was still superman. His logo, although childish in its illustration, conveyed a power beyond man.
First of all, Travis, well done making this exactly one-hundred words long.
When you say Superman rather than just a super man, you need to use capitals. It is his name.
In terms of the general piece, I have a few thoughts. I have mixed feelings about first sentence. It feels a little bit like filler to me, as does the first half of the second sentence. It might throw out your hundred words, but I feel like this first section could be cut down and tightened up.
Also, the last two sentences might work better if the order is switched.
In terms of tone and expression, I really like what you have done. You have gone beyond simple description and, by including you own reactions, have made this a more interesting piece.
So, having said all of that, do you feel like editing this first effort into something even better?
At first I was not exactly sure what to make of this image. Quite clearly it was a man, with a camera, wearing a Superman t-shirt but then I realised it was something more. The t-shirt logo shows us the Superman trade mark, being illuminated by the flash from the camera and almost everything else is in darkness. This is powerfully symbolic of how superheroes are put up on a pedestal and the lights are shone on the superhero side of the person and we forget that they actually have a separate identity and that that identity is often neglected.
The image that had just materialised on my computer screen had appeared seemed very blasé at first, however once studied closer, its magnificence become evident.To speak frankly, it was clear that it showed superman shining the flash of a canon camera through his hand, but this did not serve its imagery justice. His hand had been completely illuminated by the camera, all but his hand, logo and neck had been swallowed by the darkness. His logo, although childish in its illustration, conveyed a power beyond man. The image was indeed graceful in its perfection, but it also contained a foreboding clearly to remind those whose eyes captured it, that this was still superman.
Better?
Hannah, like in Travis’ initial piece, I feel like your opening sentence is mostly filler. This is your first chance to make an impression and it is only a one-hundred word piece.
Also, and this is a small issue, but trademark is one word.
Finally, I really like this piece. It has colour, life and makes a larger point.
I should point out that this piece, again like Travis’, is more a piece about your reaction and musings that a description, which is what I asked for. This different doesn’t matter for an activity like we are doing here, but generally I would recommend writers direct themselves at the task they have been asked to perform. But as I said, it’s not a big deal and your response has a lot of good points.
Travis, yes, it is much better.
My only quibble is simple enough. You still have no capitalised Superman which is a shame. A super man is a man who is super. Superman is a specific man, and so it requires a capital as names do.
It might take some effort, but I suspect that both of you could probably polish your responses into something better. Keep the good bits. Trim the filler. Finesse so that it is just so, and just 100 words.
You might not feel inclined to tackle this tonight, but it might be a task worth coming back to.
As I was reloading the page, I did realise that I hadn’t capatalised Superman. I shall do that tomorrow not, should I want to return to this task. I probably should, my editing skills do lack when it comes to my own work.
This is a more a matter of proof reading and being methodical. When you have specific feedback, as you did, it is worth checking your revised piece against each point of feedback. Sometimes, of course, you will choose to ignore suggestions – which you should certainly feel free to do here – but you should still check your work against all of them.
I couldn’t agree with you more, but I like to sum it up as an “I can’t be stuffed” situation. Checking things is boring, hence the reason I don’t do it. Which, realistically, is an issue.
I’m in Bendigo at the moment but i’ll redo it when i get home